Desire is the invisible hand that guides our actions, the why behind every what. We go to the gym because we desire to be healthier, stronger, and more attractive. We go out with friends because we are social creatures that desire connection. We work because we desire (and need) food on the table, a bed to sleep in, and a roof over our heads. For every thing that I do, when I ask myself why do I do it, if I dig deep enough I can find the desire that started it.

The essential role desires play in shaping our behaviour means they also play a big role in how we feel. They can cause us a great deal of pleasure and a tremendous amount of pain. Achieving our desires makes us feel terrific, falling short makes us feel terrible. We are filled with joy when we finish a marathon; we feel terrible when we get rejected by a romantic interest.

Is it possible to have our cake and eat it too? Can we get the fantastic high when we fulfill our desires and avoid the crushing low when we fail? Kind of.

Desire and suffering

Whenever there is a gap between desire and actual reality, we end up in the pit of failure. It is filled with dissappointment, sadness and a load of other good stuff.

I’m upset if I get an email from my dream company that they’re moving forward with another candidate. My desire was to put in my two week’s notice, fly half-way across the country and work on a project that I find immensely fulfilling (and very well-paying). But I didn’t get the job and that sucks. I feel sad because something I wanted did not happen. And I think acknowledging that is one of the best way to move out of the pit of failed expectations and onto greener pastures.

Diving into the suffering

Acknowledging that I’ve failed in an expectation and that the reality is different hurts. It hurts because I wish things were different and they’re not. But in feeling my thoughts and emotions, in acknowledging them and perceiving the reality as it is instead of as it should be, I’ve found that the fog of emotions eventually lifts and makes way to a clear picture of reality. Yes, I didn’t get the job. And I’ll give myself some time to feel feel bad about that. And once that’s over, I can learn from the experience. I can ask the interviewer what I should improve and apply again. I can reach out to employees and expand my network. If all else fails, I can always bribe the recruiter. It’s also not the end of the world. In looking at my life from a whole picture, I can appreciate all the things that are going right, even while some things are not there yet.

Crushing lows will always come. They are feature of a fulfilling life where we pursue what we truly want. If I don’t fail often, it means I’m settling for the safety of what I know rather than pursuing the scary but fulfilling what ifs. Pain is therefore impossible to avoid, but it doesn’t have to feel as crushing. For me, the solution lies in introspection — reflecting on my desires, thoughts, feelings, the reality around me, and going from there.